Narrator (synthetic voice)
Do you have a healthy level of self esteem and self confidence? Or not so much? Our self concept, positive self regard and simply confidence are key influences on how fully we realize our talents and live our lives.
What can we do to nurture healthy self esteem, self appreciation, self compassion?
One of the biggest and most common issues people face is the belief that they are not enough. Therapist, author and speaker Marisa Peer adds, "From bulimics to Alcoholics to chronic gamblers...One of the most common things I hear from my patients and clients is that I don't think I'm enough. And it's this thought that pushes them to self sabotage and put challenges, obstacles and roadblocks in their own way to live their best life."
Therapist Marisa Peer is the author of "I Am Enough" and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy. For over 30 years, she has helped people including royalty, rock stars, actors, professional and Olympic athletes, CEOs, media personalities, and others. This audio includes short clips from two of her videos.
Marisa Peer
So Diana did what a lot of people do, she gave what she wanted to give. Do you know, the percentage of nurses that come from dysfunctional families is astonishing.
It really is a calling they give what they most want to get back. Not all of them, of course, but a huge proportion.
And Diana could make everyone love her. She was magnetic. She was charming, but she never, ever believed that she was worthy of love.
And the only person who wasn't captivated and madly in love with Diana was Diana. She didn't think she was lovable.
And Marilyn Monroe was very interesting. So when Diana asked me if I worked with her, I'm like, no, really I'm not old enough to work with Marilyn Monroe.
But nevertheless, I know an awful lot about Marilyn Monroe because she was a classic example. She was born. And she was fostered immediately her her parents didn't want her mother gave her up father didn't want to know.
And she went into the foster system. And when she was two and a half, she lived with a foster mother who had her own child also two and a half. And of course, her own son would go mama, mama, mama.
And Marilyn started to go Mama, Mama Mama and the foster brother went no, no, you mustn't call me Mama. I'm not your mama. You can call me auntie.
And every time they went to a park or a playground, Marilyn would go, there's a mama. There's a mama. There's a mama because she knew she didn't have one.
She felt completely different. And she kind of was already forming this belief that she was never going to have the love that other people had. And she went through life with an interesting belief that love is available for a little while, because she would get a bit of love in the foster care, then she get moved.
And when she's married Arthur Miller, she was planning her divorce on the day she got married to him because of her belief that "I'm not really lovable; I can get it, I can't keep it."
And her [?] could sit on it in a Marilyn what is going on with you know, I have just seen this footage of you dancing in front of all these guys as you're sewn into this dress, everything's falling out and you have no underwear on? What is that about?
And I'm going to quote what she said word for word. She said, "I need everyone to love me. I must belong to the whole world because I have never belonged to anyone or anything in my whole life. And I fear that I never, ever will."
And that is a word for word, quote. I need the whole world to love me. I must belong. I've never belonged to anyone or anything. And I just had a real problem with feeling unlovable that you kind of pick it up and then it kind of radiates out from you and people pick up your belief.
So I was asked to work with Amy Winehouse and I really wanted to work with her. She was quite a fascinating girl and in preparation for my working with her. I read up a lot about her already knew Amy is an alcoholic.
Amy is a drug addict. Amy is anorexic, and believe it veers between the two. Amy has depression and Amy is addicted to really damaged men. They're going to bring her down.
And she didn't turn up for any appointment. And I only ever spoke to her on the phone. And I said why didn't you turn out and she said, What's the point? I'm damaged beyond repair.
Forgive me if I swear she said I'm complete [?]. You can't help me. No one can help me.
And the problem with Amy is that she did go into rehab and get clean many times and she could give up drugs and she could give up alcohol and she could for period stop being anorexic.
But she could not give up this belief that being normal was not available to her and you know she never wrote a happy song. She wrote back to black my tears Write on their own love is a losing game.
Listen to those lyrics. It's so tragic even being loved. I'm going to lose it love. And then she wrote, I told you, I'm trouble. You know, I'm no good. And she really believed that.
And if you listen to back to black, she's talking to her boyfriend. And she said, you know, you go back to your old girlfriend, you go back to normality. And me, I go back to black, I go back to darkness, I go back to depression, I go back to being so abnormal. And there's nothing normal available.
And I know that it was that belief that killed her. It wasn't drugs, it was the belief that normality is not available. Of course, beyond that belief, is the real belief. I'm not lovable.
I see Whitney Houston, she was the same when she was 16 or 17. Her record label pushed her as this God fearing, deeply religious, pure, wholesome girl. That was okay. But she was already a drug addict.
And she was already been told, You must not let anyone know, your real [?] hide that, you know, pretend you're madly in love with Bobby Brown, and live a lie.
And she did. And it was so abnormal. And she too had this belief, normality: that's not available to me.
And then her poor little daughter was brought up in a house where normality was not available. So I'm going to talk to you today about your beliefs. And I want you to think about what you think is not available to you.
We change in three ways our favorite changes instant you said something, I read something I listened to your recordings. And I changed on a dime. And I'm feel so great.
But the second change is a cumulative change where bit by bit, you think, Wow, I'm feeling better. Rather than like going to the gym, no one goes to the gym, does the plank and says, Hey, I got a flat stomach, you go back and you go back and you start to notice that your body is looking better. So cumulative change bit by bit is normal.
And then there's the third change, which is retroactive, I look back and think, wow, I can shout at my kids. I don't have those tension headaches. I wake up feeling good. And all of these changes are good.
The mind learns by repetition when you start to tell yourself I'm enough. I'm enough I'm enough it may take a while first. You might guess No, you're not enough because you don't have your own home.
You don't have a great car, a great job a great partner. And that is you object. You gotta go you know, that's true. I don't have a great home. I'm still enough. I don't have someone to love me yet. But I'm still enough.
And the more I say I'm enough, the more quickly I will find love. I have a beaten up second hand car but that's just a car that's not me.
So you have to add in the objections that you are creating. You're objecting yourself I'm not enough because and I'm enough is not quantified I'm enough because I'm a perfect way to shape or size got this great job.
Know, you're enough. Because you're enough so the mind learns by repetition, say it, say it, say it and so fast, you will run out of objections, and I'm very new on you see this all the time.
It must be true because the mind learns by repetition, repeat it, repeat it, put it on your password to unlock your phone or your computer. Have it all over your house have the bracelets I have write it on your mirror, stamp it on your pillow, on your cushions and say it a lot and just like lotion goes into dry skin and nourishes it... enough will go in to your heart and nourish you.
So say it a lot. And understand you may not even notice how much is impacting you because it's doing it bit by bit. Suddenly you'll look back and go wow, those words have changed my life it took a while to let them in. But I let them in.
Narrator (synthetic voice) :
The photo [in related article] is Helen Mirren. Although she has portrayed many confident even imperious characters, a British newspaper article says she has talked about how insecure she has felt nearly all her life, and she said I still get insecure.
Another example of a highly talented and accomplished actor with impostor feelings is Meryl Streep, who has said I have varying degrees of confidence and self loathing. You can have a perfectly horrible day where you doubt your talent or that you're boring and they're going to find out that you don't know what you're doing.
Read more in post gifted and talented but insecure Some more examples of impostor feelings and thinking: Lupita Nyong'o had not yet graduated from Yale Drama School when she was cast by Steve McQueen for his powerful movie "12 Years A Slave."
She said, I had impostor syndrome until the day I landed in Louisiana for the shoot. I was certain that I was going to be fired. Any moment someone's going to find out I'm a total fraud.
Emma Watson: I convince myself I'm fooling people.
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